I’ve posted on this blog on and off for a while but the funny thing is I never intended for it to be a portal to reveal any sensitive information about myself. I am such a private person, that even in my greatest personal suffering, I am sometimes unable to share with anyone. I’m going to be a bit more open in this post and I hope it will resonate with someone somewhere.
I realised sometime in the middle of 2015 that the heavy feeling in my chest, constant lump in my throat, continuously being on the verge of crying, crying at the drop of a hat, endless sleepless nights, wishing to end it all and wondering where God was could mean that I was depressed.
Early 2012, I left my job to run my business full time. I had run it part time for so long and I truly believed it was time to give it my full attention. I ran the business out of our garage for a year and it looked to be turning a good profit. At the same time, my husband and I had been praying to God to help us get closer to Him. We were so secure in our own wisdom, intelligence and cleverness, that I now believe that the tough journey ahead of us was an answer to that prayer.
My husband decided to go out to Africa for work and start a business and I was left at home with our almost 2 year old son. It was in that time that the attacks first started. Financially, we were struggling and things were tough as both our businesses were in infancy stage. Spiritually, I was flailing and my husband and I had always had each other to lean on, but he was away. It got to a point where I had to count meagre coins just to buy some milk for my boy and that almost drove me to insanity. The bank was sending red letters regarding missed mortgage payments and the bills were piling up. On Mother’s day, I spent most of the day crying because I felt I had let my son down so badly not being able to give him all the wonderful things I wanted to.
The first time I heard the voices in my head, I didn’t understand where they came from. I heard them telling me how useless I was, a bad mother, someone who people hated on sight, an unloved wife whose husband did not want to be there and an all round failure. One particular Sunday morning, I had been so disturbed by ‘the voices’, that I walked to the window and a voice said ‘jump’. I looked at my son, shook my head and said ‘let’s go to church, little one’. When I got to church that day, a friend of my mine saw me and asked how I was doing and I just burst into tears and cried so hard, she asked me to sit down and tell her what had been happening. I was unusually honest that day and completely open; telling her everything. She said to me ‘You’re under attack Omo. The enemy wants to destroy you and you need to turn to God and stop trying to fight this battle yourself.’ She told me to put on daily, the full armour of God and cry to Him for help. We prayed together and for once in so long, I felt hopeful.
The next morning, I woke up early and picked up my bible and said out loud ‘you evil spirits that have taken residence in my home and head, today you leave’. I prayed so hard using the scriptures, cried so hard for God to help me and believe me when I say, I felt a physical removal of the familiar heavy weariness and knot in my stomach. I could not believe it but something said to me, ‘this is God’s territory now’.
I haven’t heard those voices so badly ever since but please don’t get me wrong, there are still hard days, some harder than others. I am still running a very busy life as so many of us are these days and that does take its toll. The low days still come when I don’t want to get out of bed and other days when I am prepared to bite anyone’s head off but I am certain that everyday God heals me a little bit more.
I now know to stand on His word, to resist the devil and to say ‘Get thee behind me’ at any discouraging or soul crushing thoughts. Sometimes I fail and flail and my faith flounders, but I’ll never stop holding on to the One that gives me peace and an everlasting hope.
I don’t know why I have chosen to put this out there today but I hope it helps someone hold on and trust God through whatever circumstance they may be experiencing.
God bless you and wrap you in the warmest divine hugs!
Lots of love,
Omo
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand (Ephesians 6:12-13)
Christian Mumpreneur 
Give time to meditate on the Word! Give your life to Jesus with all its problems knowing He has given His life to you with all the answers. Look to Jesus and walk in faith. Meditate on Galatians 2:20. Believe His Word that He has given you everything you need for life and godliness. Ask the Lord to fill you with the Holy Spirit and trust you are being led, taught, encouraged and comforted by Him. Spend some time each day meditating on the fact that because you are trusting in Jesus you are accepted, loved, forgiven, anointed, blessed, born again, a new creation, being led in triumph, washed in the blood, clothed in his righteousness and a channel of His blessing and that He will never leave you nor forsake you. It is a faith walk, not a feeling walk. Bring down any thought that opposes itself to the Word of God. Keep a positive mindset. Remember to give thanks in every situation that God will work it for good (Romans 8:28). Make a decision never to be anxious about anything but immediately pray about it and thank God for the answer (Philippians 4:6-7). Take 1 John 1:8-9 seriously and realise if we confess our sins, His responsibility is to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Ask the Lord to show you if there is anything that is stopping His blessing in your life e.g. not forgiving yourself or others, generational curses that need to be broken, fear, unbelief, wanting to please people more than pleasing God, keeping our eyes on ourselves rather than Him etc. Thank the Lord He breaks the power of cancelled sin. Our sin nailed Him to the Cross and we died and have been raised to walk in righteousness through the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 8: 1-17). This unity with Jesus’ death, burial and resurrection is celebrated through the waters of baptism (Acts 2:38). When you pray visualise the Lord with you, listening to every word, as He is your closest and most faithful friend, and He has all authority and power to use on your behalf as you trust in Him and thank Him. (Mark 11:22-26) See your Christian life as an adventure with Jesus. He has already won the victory and is with you to empower and enable you to overcome all things as you trust in Him and what He has done for you. Surely His goodness and mercy shall chase/pursue/follow after you all the days of your life. (Psalm 23:6) The truth sets you free as you read it, welcome it into your heart in faith and walk in it!
Listen to good sermons and worship and praise. Read good books and limit or cut out newspapers and listening to radio or TV news and depressing, negative or unedifying programmes. Subscribe to Christian Charities and get their news instead. It will give plenty to pray about! Watch who you spend time with and choose friends who have a positive influence and will not pull you down. Take time to fast and pray and develop that intimacy with the Lord. Just as those who compete in the Olympics make changes to their lifestyle to achieve their goals, we need to be open to the Holy Spirit showing us what He wants to change in us.
You are very precious and invaluable to the Lord and an essential part of the Body of Christ no matter what you may think. You will win through and the Lord will use you to encourage many. The Lord bless you richly.
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